Well, When my best friend told me whe didn't want something serious with somone, I perfectly knew it was a lie. And I kept being desperate and saying that she was wrong. My best friend, the girl who helped me opening my heart to be more mysel fand not to be so close and so into just me, myelf and I against the rest of people. The person who taught me that, didn't want to open her heart to the others. That was so weird for me, I tried to understand, I did, but I couldn't really see, truly how she could actually at this very moment, because being with her showed me how people could help so much to make your life so much better. I totally forgot how it was to suffer from the exterior world, how sometimes it was so hard to handle, and how poeple could be so cold and nasty. Then, I startes to open my heart to so much people in a way, I was so ocnfident and full of hope, that I couldn't believe that a failure could happen. And it did. Once, twice. You know, when you really appreciate someone, without any precise reason, you just want to like him or her, to believe in him or her, but all you finally get is just coldness ans the feeling that you thought he or she was a better person than she or he actually is. But you care and hope you are right, really, really. And a day you just realize that perhaps you are the only one who considered so much this person. You are the one who believe and thinkw tat this person matters. But for him or her, you do not. you are just a great meeting. Just that. Someone you can easily forget. someone nice that you can use, maybe if necessary. You realise that you are not the person you wanted to be to his or her eyes. And you see that you've made a mistake about how you saw him. That's when you start to see things in another wayn and that you started to be disappointed. Like the others, and that you begin to understand why everyone says that they want to have fun and that lie to themselves. Because it's easier, that the sad feeling to see that you've made a big mistake, that you chose a road you chould have more thought about before getting in. That you should have taken some medicines in case you were wounded. That's when I felt that, that I started to realise, that what was my best friend said, wasn't so stupid. At all. she was just trying to protect herself from the others . From the people who could hurt her. And little by little she realised what she was doing and she took some risks, exactly were she should have, and finally everything was getting a lot better for her. At that time, she understood, that life was made of hope, deceiving and good or bad surprises. It is so human to try to protect yourself from dangers as physical as mental. That's why I've just began to undersatnd. Tonight.
Mad at me and at so much people, mad at wanting so much and expecting too much from them. Still waiting and pretending not to be so. Searching for hope and fear in silence that it will never be real.
Fuck off again.
The coulda woulda shoulda is useless. Juste focus to face forward.
* Célia Fais son deuil pour trop de choses...
Today I borrowed it. The almost last link. Perhaps it is less painful to forget and not to think about it, you know to erase some memories. Some very good memories though but still painful. I'm sure that if you could see what I'm telling you you would think that im crazy, because i didn't know you very well, and you only let me see the good, the great, the perfect thing. Perfect. Great. But not you. That wasn't you. And the me you met wasn't the one you were waiting for. That's just that simple. Well, so perhaps yes, girls are complicated even if I don't think so. So today I did it. I just think it was better not to think about it and to forget all about it...But for the moment I just can't, wish I would, I wish I could, but when I think I did it there is a little thing which get back my memory rewind. Like a tape. And I can't ignore it. Then I start thinking I will never forget about it. Because time is running, and that I can't stop thinking about the same things, again ad again. Why? How? Since when? Can it change? Can I change everything? "I realised that you were just not the one." I was not the one you waited for. So why don't you tell me what you wished for? *I thought you were like me, I thought you were never worried about what would happen or not, but you were not. But you were waiting for something. Something that I ddn't have though. Then it was over. More for you than for me. Because I'm still thinking about it.. And you are not. I always knew that people always leave. But I didn't want to believe that you would leave. Because I always hoped deep down someone would stay. But it wasn't you. I'm not sure I will forget about that. But it was obvious. Of course you were gonna leave. But I didn't want you to leave. And now that you left, I have the feeling you won't be the only one.
Few days later someone told me that when you want you will. And I didn't realise it was true, I was blinded by that stupid thing in my head that told me that everything was ugly. I didn't realise that I was wrong. That when you want you can. "That's why now: I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." That's what another William told me. And he was right.